Rise Up! And toasted-itos??
Can I get a Hallelujah? Can I get an Amen?!?!?
Our Atlanta Falcons are in the Super Bowl! Y’all know I cannot let this glorious (read: overdue) occasion go by without a bit of advice from Miss Melanie.
For those of you going to the game: Get off my blog! You are dead to me.
Ok, not really.
I am green with envy. Have a blast in Houston, but don’t get arrested because I cannot help you in Texas. Just kidding, I know people, so call me.
For all the other riff-raff (like me) who will be watching from home or elsewhere, listen up!
Let’s talk about:
Super Bowl Parties.
To be honest with you I have only been to a couple. I am a football snob and can only dedicate 4 hours of my life to a team I actually care about. But, from what I hear, Super Bowl parties are known for fun with friends and great food…and of course, booze.
Whether you are going to a Super Bowl party, a restaurant, a bar…wherever, make sure you plan ahead. If you are going to drink something like this GA themed cocktail, or say rum and Dixie champagne, or a local SweetWater or Gate City brew, have a sober ride home…or to your next party, whatever, I know we will be celebrating. Nothing will ruin our Falcons victory like spending the night (or even a few hours) in lockup after a DUI arrest. Now, I know the best laid plans can go awry. If you find yourself tipsy with Falcon’s Fever after a few too many and without a designated driver, no worries. You can always call a cab, Uber, Lyft, or SafeRide America.
What are my plans? Glad you asked. I have been invited to a party Sunday that is over an hour from me humble abode. *My ride is already booked by the way. The one thing I am struggling with is what to bring to the party. Wings, dip, sliders?? What to do?? DO you want to know what I am DYING to bring??
Take a second. Drink it all in. . It’s a bag of chips. A bag of chips that tells you whether you should drive after drinking alcohol. What junior executive at Tostitos is getting a pat on the back, a raise, and a suite at the Super Bowl (call me!) for this ridiculous ingenious idea? As much as I want to see people blowing their whiskey or prosecco tainted breath into a Tostitos Party Safe bag, (seriously, please post or send the pictures to firstname.lastname@example.org) I must admonish you: A CHIP BAG IS NOT A RELIABLE INDICATOR OF SOBREITY! Do I need to repeat that?
Wait…Rewind! I take that back…if you eat a whole bag of chips at one time after consuming adult beverages, take a step back, look at the empty plastic that once held your snack (meant for 10) and repeat after me: “I cannot drive, I will not drive, I shall not drive.”
Alas, I cannot bring these chips to the party because I cannot find one single bag of breathalyzer Tostitos anywhere! Now our party is going to be so lame. Just kidding, The Falcons are going to win so we will have the most fun ever and we don’t need no stinkin chips! But, seriously, if you happen to see a bag somewhere around the Roswell or Alpharetta, GA area, hit me up. I need to take one of these babies for a test drive!
As always, have fun and stay safe!
Melanie Ellwanger is a North Georgia DUI and Criminal Defense Attorney. She is a former prosecuting attorney and judicial candidate. She has been ranked as a Rising Star by Super Lawyers magazine 2013-2016. email@example.com